Roast Beef, Medium: The Business Adventures of Emma McChesney Read online

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  ROAST BEEF, MEDIUM

  THE BUSINESS ADVENTURES OF EMMA McCHESNEY

  By Edna Ferber

  Author of "Dawn O'Hara," "Buttered Side Down," Etc.

  With twenty-seven illustrations by James Montgomery Flagg

  "'And they call that thing a petticoat!'"]

  FOREWORD

  Roast Beef, Medium, is not only a food. It is a philosophy.

  Seated at Life's Dining Table, with the Menu of Morals before you, youreye wanders a bit over the entrees, the hors d'oeuvres, and the things_a la_, though you know that Roast Beef, Medium, is safe, and sane, andsure. It agrees with you. As you hesitate there sounds in your ear asoft and insinuating Voice.

  "You'll find the tongue in aspic very nice today," purrs the Voice."May I recommend the chicken pie, country style? Perhaps you'd relishsomething light and tempting. Eggs Benedictine. Very fine. Or someflaked crab meat, perhaps. With a special Russian sauce."

  Roast Beef, Medium! How unimaginative it sounds. How prosaic, and dry!You cast the thought of it aside with the contempt that it deserves, andyou assume a fine air of the epicure as you order. There are set beforeyou things encased in pastry; things in frilly paper trousers; thingsthat prick the tongue; sauces that pique the palate. There are strangevegetable garnishings, cunningly cut. This is not only Food. These areViands.

  "Everything satisfactory?" inquires the insinuating Voice.

  "Yes," you say, and take a hasty sip of water. That paprika has burnedyour tongue. "Yes. Check, please."

  You eye the score, appalled. "Look here! Aren't you over-charging!"

  "Our regular price," and you catch a sneer beneath the smugness of theVoice. "It is what every one pays, sir."

  You reach deep, deep into your pocket, and you pay. And you rise and go,full but not fed. And later as you take your fifth Moral Pepsin Tabletyou say Fool! and Fool! and Fool!

  When next we dine we are not tempted by the Voice. We are wary of weirdsauces. We shun the cunning aspics. We look about at our neighbor'stable. He is eating of things French, and Russian and Hungarian. Of foodgarnished, and garish and greasy. And with a little sigh of Content andresignation we settle down to our Roast Beef, Medium.

  E. F.

  CONTENTS

  I. ROAST BEEF, MEDIUM II. REPRESENTING T. A. BUCK III. CHICKENS IV. HIS MOTHER'S SON V. PINK TIGHTS AND GINGHAMS VI. SIMPLY SKIRTS VII. UNDERNEATH THE HIGH-CUT VEST VIII. CATCHING UP WITH CHRISTMAS IX. KNEE-DEEP IN KNICKERS X. IN THE ABSENCE OF THE AGENT

  ILLUSTRATIONS

  "'And they call that thing a petticoat!'"

  "'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,' he announced, glibly"

  "'That was a married kiss--a two-year-old married kiss at least'"

  "'I won't ask you to forgive a hound like me'"

  "'You'll never grow up, Emma McChesney'"

  "'Well, s'long then, Shrimp. See you at eight'"

  "'I'm still in a position to enforce that ordinance against pouting'"

  "'Son!' echoed the clerk, staring"

  "'Well!' gulped Jock, 'those two double-bedded, bloomin', blastedBisons--'"

  "'Come on out of here and I'll lick the shine off your shoes, youblue-eyed babe, you!'"

  "'You can't treat me with your life's history. I'm going in'"

  "'Now, Lillian Russell and cold cream is one; and new potatoes and browncrocks is another.'"

  "'Why, girls, I couldn't hold down a job in a candy factory'"

  "'Honestly, I'd wear it myself!'"

  "'I've lived petticoats, I've talked petticoats, I've dreamedpetticoats--why, I've even worn the darn things!'"

  "And found himself addressing the backs of the letters on the doormarked 'Private'."

  "'Shut up, you blamed fool! Can't you see the lady's sick?'"

  "At his gaze that lady fled, sample-case banging at her knees"

  "In the exuberance of his young strength, he picked her up"

  "She read it again, dully, as though every selfish word had not alreadystamped itself on her brain and heart."

  "'Not that you look your age--not by ten years!"'

  "'Christmas isn't a season ... it's a feeling; and, thank God, I've gotit!'"

  "No man will ever appreciate the fine points of this little garment, butthe women--"

  "Emma McChesney ... I believe in you now! Dad and I both believe inyou."

  "It had been a whirlwind day."

  "'Emma,' he said, 'will you marry me?'"

  "'Welcome home!' she cried. 'Sketch in the furniture to suit yourself.'"